apparently...

silence is golden.

i've tried for the better part of an hour to think of what i would want to tell the world... about my night, my life, my situation, my thoughts... and i can't figure out what i want to say...

so, i won't say anything at all.

Consequences

I have been thinking a lot about consequences lately. Then I came across this article that describes how our nation has created a generation of wimps by removing obstacles and barriers for children. It explains a situation where parents demand that the teachers and professors give their children a special exception or a better grade. Another scenario presented is how young children on sports teams are coached by many adults, told where to stand on the field and what to do. So there is not a chance of a child making a mistake or being disappointed. What a tragedy.

When I was in college, I took a class called "Communication Law and Ethics." It was not an easy class. I had Dr. Shipman. He was not an easy professor. I didn't study enough. I didn't try hard enough on assignments. I didn't go to class enough. When grades were posted, I failed. No "D for diploma." It was an "F for failure." I emailed Dr. Shipman, hoping for grace, expecting a second chance. I didn't get it. I failed the class. I would have to take it over. I did. I took it again. I studied harder. I read more, tried with more intention on homework. I went to class. I passed. And I was a better student because of it. I am not trying to brag. Fortunately for me, I was raised with an incredible mom. She wasn't perfect. She made mistakes. She also taught me the value of working hard. She taught me that hard work is important. She showed me how when you make mistakes, you accept the consequences and try to not make the same ones again.

I hope to be the same kind of mom to my daughter. One who instills the importance of hard work, learning from mistakes, and handling normal obstacles of life. I will not call her teachers if she makes a bad grade, insisting that it must be the teacher's fault. She is not perfect. She will have a hard time doing something (even though, right now, I can't imagine that she would fail at anything). I will not put unnecessary obstacles in her way, but I won't remove a normal barrier that could very well be the lesson she needs to learn.

So, all of that has been rolling around in my brain, while also thinking about people in life who don't feel like they have to face consequences. The ones whose parents think that writing a big check or calling the teacher to dispute a grade is the answer. The ones who think the teacher is to blame for the bad grade or the unlearned lesson. It is heart-breaking to me. Frustrating. And the thing is, I shouldn't feel upset or mad. Had Dr. Shipman given me that second chance or changed my grade, I wouldn't have learned the lesson. If I had my parents call to attack Dr. Shipman, I would have only discovered that I never have to be responsible, I just need to have the loudest or richest parent to survive.

Then, to top it off, I was thinking about God and His grace. I was trying to reconcile these thoughts about having to face consequences and then trying to balance them with how God's grace factors in. I talked with a good friend and she reminded me that while God offers forgiveness and grace, He doesn't always shield us from the consequences for our actions. "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus, our Lord." (Rom 6:23). It doesn't say that the gift of God is shelter from ever feeling disappointed. The gift is not a shield that means we will never be hurt or experience pain.

I don't have some beautiful wrap-up, make-this-all-make-sense ending. I just have found so much comfort in the barriers that are anything but comfortable. I am so grateful for the obstacles that have become the teachers. At the time, I wasn't, but the older, more mature (questionable.) me is. And as Mother's Day approaches, and I think about how I see my mom live this out, I hope to be that mom. May I remember this incredible mom-ism: "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

The vertical self

I am using booksneeze's site to review books. I read the book the vertical self more than 2 years ago and forgot to post my review at the time. The book has been such a great reminder that my focus and energy cannot be on pleasing and trying to mimic horizontal relationships. My worth and identity come from God's authority and identity. At my church we have explored a similar idea pattern as Sayers describes but we call it Christ-esteem vs self-esteem. So much of what I read in this book is reminiscent of those ideas, but I was grateful to hear about it from a different point of view. I guess God uses different messengers to explain the same message. A good read for anyone struggling with who they are in Christ and how to live in a world so obsessed with being the most popular or most wealthy. I would definitely recommend it!

dear ew.com, could i please write for you someday?

ok, i will move on soon, but a few things stuck out from last night's the bachelor: on the wings of love...

1) the music... first, to hear the actual song "on the wings of love" play as jake and his date (who up until that moment swears she's terrified of planes and won't even go on family vacations when they involve flying... but all of a sudden in the face of going on a date with mr. i'm-cute-but-polite-with-no-personality she somehow gathers the courage to go.

2) elizabeth seemed like a classy girl and then wrote him a note that she read to him where she said she didn't want him to kiss her until she was the last one... truly classy, because that show can be a little lot sketch. then, he gives her the rose of the date and they go and sit and wait for fireworks and she becomes little miss tease. yikes. way to stay classy.

3) "i 100% accept this rose" - i heard it a few times during the episode... it doesn't make sense.  one can accept the rose or not. just once, i'd like to hear one of them say, "i 33.3% accept this rose."

4) michelle is crazy. done.

5) the scandal made me laugh a little. poor chris harrison with his lawyer-language. i wasn't crazy about "little rose" anyway - and i kept getting nervous that she'd fall over from all that weight in the front.

ok, done... just needed to get those things off my chest. haha. chest. they're mostly busty girls.

oh, abc... another interesting season of the bachelor with all its twists and turns

so i watched episode 1 of the bachelor: on the wings of love tonight... it's fun to get together with some of my favorite people and laugh at the ridiculosity (yes, i'm making it a word) of 25 women and the one dopey man they're fighting over...

here are the things i picked up on.

1) drama - there will always be drama and this season promises to have drama we've "never seen before" - although, i read it was that one of the women has a fling/affair/relationship/whatever with one of the male producers... and it's all supposed to come out next week... which i am guessing means it wasn't really a long relationship anyway.

2) "she's not here for the right reasons" - it seems like that phrase doesn't usually come out until at least the second episode, but tonight it took an hour and 20 minutes... haha... is anyone really there for the "right" reasons?

3) crazy girl... there's always one... and this year it's michelle... yikes... i kept waiting for her to say that a) her eggs were rotting or b) that she likes to french kiss her dog... instead she cried an hour into the first episode... and she gets to stay. maybe dreams do come true after all... or maybe jake got paid more to keep her around.

4) i'm thinking that the show actually could have been called "the bachelor: i have no personality, but i'm a really nice guy with good abs!" i just don't feel like there is much at the surface of jake... but according to chris harrison, he's really serious and "spiritual" - i did like that he put God at the top of his priority list... does that mean it will cut down on the sketch factor. doubt it.

5) desperate ploys by women to "win" the guy... and how they worked (most of the time). 1) falling into his arms at the beginning while wearing a dress that evidently wasn't finished by the time the show started 2) the peacock feather - which was actually kind of cute to me, 3) the jelly beans as the parting gifts for the other ladies to make the "taste of defeat" better - and because she was going to "win" 4) ten list by tenley - where she kisses him at the end (then cries about it) - and i actually kind of like her... 5) the flight attendant outfit... and the ones that didn't work (so glad) - 1) do you like kissimmee? 2) cambodian mumbo jumbo that means: you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.... REALLY? yikes...

my favorite line of the night: jake: have you flown before? michelle: uhh... (pause) i... would... love... to be a passenger... on your plane.

Today is a palindrome: 01022010... Hannah and racecar, look out!